As a trauma therapist, I sadly see a lot of narcissistic abuse in my practice. It’s far more common than many people realise. Whether in romantic relationships, family dynamics, or even professional settings, narcissistic abuse leaves deep emotional scars that require careful and often long-term healing. I’ve written this post to raise awareness about this type of abuse, how it manifests, the lasting damage it causes, and the steps toward recovery.
Narcissistic abuse is insidious. It often starts in subtle ways before gradually evolving into a complex web of emotional manipulation, control, and degradation. Victims frequently feel disoriented, doubting their sense of reality, and becoming increasingly dependent on the abuser for validation. Over time, this cycle leads to what I refer to as narcissistic injury — the emotional and psychological wounds inflicted on the victim.
The Pervasiveness of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse isn’t limited to romantic relationships, though that’s often where it’s most visible. It can occur in family relationships, where a parent may control and manipulate a child for their own sense of superiority, or one sibling does the same to another. It can also exist in friendships, where one friend consistently dominates and exploits the other. Even in work environments, individuals with narcissistic traits may gaslight, manipulate, or bully colleagues to maintain control or boost their ego.
What makes narcissistic abuse so pervasive is its covert nature. It doesn’t always involve overt threats or violence, but instead relies on more subtle forms of emotional manipulation, such as gaslighting, devaluation, and isolation. These tactics erode the victim’s sense of self slowly over time, making it harder to recognise the abuse for what it is. It’s not uncommon for victims to remain in these relationships for years without fully understanding what is happening to them.
Narcissistic Injury and the Emotional Wounds of Abuse
When discussing narcissistic injury, it’s important to distinguish between the narcissist’s fragile ego and the real, lasting emotional injuries inflicted on their victims. Narcissists thrive on external validation, and when their self-esteem is challenged or threatened, they experience what’s known as a narcissistic injury. However, this injury is often projected onto the victim, who is left to bear the brunt of the narcissist’s emotional outbursts, manipulations, and rage.
Victims of narcissistic abuse suffer from their own form of narcissistic injury, though the term is often underutilised in this context. Over time, the narcissist’s constant devaluation, criticism, and manipulation create deep emotional wounds that can manifest as anxiety, depression, chronic low self-esteem, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Gaslighting: Undermining the Victim’s Sense of Reality
Gaslighting is one of the most damaging forms of narcissistic abuse, and it is sadly all too common in many of the cases I encounter in my practice. It involves the narcissist systematically distorting the victim’s perception of reality by denying events, downplaying the victim’s emotions, and insisting that the victim’s memories or feelings are inaccurate. Over time, this constant distortion leads the victim to doubt their own thoughts and feelings.
Victims of gaslighting often find themselves questioning their sanity, unable to trust their own judgement. The narcissist might say things like, “You’re overreacting” or “That never happened,” convincing the victim that they are imagining things or being unreasonable. This erosion of self-trust is incredibly damaging and leaves the victim emotionally dependent on the narcissist for validation.
In my practice, I see many clients who struggle with the after effects of gaslighting. They often describe a sense of confusion and cognitive dissonance, where they feel trapped between their own memories and the narcissist’s version of reality. Healing from gaslighting requires re-establishing trust in one’s own perceptions, a process that can take time and involves a deep re-examination of the emotional and psychological landscape.
Chronic Low Self-Esteem: The Result of Constant Devaluation
Narcissists are masters of devaluation. They often begin relationships by placing their victim on a pedestal, making them feel loved, admired, and appreciated. This “idealisation phase” is a calculated move to create emotional dependence. Once the victim is fully invested, the narcissist begins to slowly chip away at their self-esteem through criticism, belittling comments, and emotional withdrawal.
Over time, this devaluation leads the victim to feel worthless and inadequate. Many victims internalise the narcissist’s criticisms, believing that they are at fault for the abuse or that they aren’t good enough to deserve better treatment. This chronic low self-esteem becomes a barrier to leaving the relationship, as the victim may feel that they won’t find anyone else who will love or value them.
In therapy, addressing this loss of self-worth is one of the most important steps in recovery. Victims need to reconnect with their intrinsic value and understand that the abuse they experienced was a reflection of the narcissist’s own insecurity, not a reflection of their worth as a person.
Isolation: Breaking Down Support Networks
One of the most effective ways narcissists maintain control over their victims is by isolating them from friends, family, and other support networks. By severing the victim’s connections to the outside world, the narcissist ensures that they become the victim’s primary (and sometimes only) source of validation and support. This isolation can be subtle — suggesting that certain friends or family members are untrustworthy or that they don’t have the victim’s best interests at heart—or it can be more overt, involving restrictions on the victim’s social life and interactions.
In my practice, I’ve seen how this isolation leaves victims feeling trapped and unable to seek help. Without a support system, the victim often feels that they have no choice but to stay in the relationship, reinforcing the narcissist’s control. Rebuilding these connections is a crucial part of the healing process. It involves reaching out to friends or family members who may have been pushed away during the relationship and seeking new, healthy relationships built on trust and mutual respect.
The Long-Term Psychological Impact of Narcissistic Abuse
The psychological effects of narcissistic abuse can persist long after the relationship has ended. Many victims struggle with complex trauma responses, such as hypervigilance, emotional numbness, and PTSD. These trauma responses are the brain and body’s way of coping with the intense stress and fear experienced during the relationship.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Narcissistic abuse often results in symptoms of PTSD, as the victim’s nervous system becomes overwhelmed by the constant manipulation, fear, and emotional degradation. Flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive thoughts about the abuse are common symptoms, as the brain attempts to process the trauma.
For many victims, certain triggers — such as hearing the narcissist’s voice or encountering situations that remind them of the abuse — can bring up intense feelings of anxiety and fear. These triggers are often unpredictable and can cause significant distress, making it difficult for survivors to move on from the abuse.
Cognitive Dissonance
Victims of narcissistic abuse frequently experience cognitive dissonance, a psychological state in which they struggle to reconcile the narcissist’s initial loving behaviour with their later abusive actions. This internal conflict often leaves victims feeling confused and conflicted, unsure of how to process the relationship. Many victims cling to the hope that the narcissist will return to the idealisation phase, leading them to stay in the relationship despite the abuse.
Cognitive dissonance also makes it difficult for victims to fully recognise the extent of the abuse while they are in the relationship. The narcissist’s ability to switch between affection and cruelty keeps the victim emotionally off-balance, creating a deep sense of confusion and dependency.
Pathways to Healing: Trauma-Informed Therapy
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a gradual process that requires a trauma-informed approach. Trauma-informed therapy recognises that the abuse has caused deep emotional and psychological wounds, and it focuses on helping victims process their trauma in a safe, supportive environment.
Creating a Safe Space for Healing
One of the most important aspects of trauma therapy is creating a safe space where the victim can explore their emotions and experiences without fear of judgement or further manipulation. Many victims of narcissistic abuse have learned to suppress their feelings or minimise their pain in order to avoid the narcissist’s anger or criticism. In therapy, we work to create a space where those feelings can be safely expressed and validated.
Rebuilding Self-Worth and Establishing Boundaries
Rebuilding self-worth is a key component of the healing process. Narcissistic abuse leaves victims with a distorted sense of self, often believing that they are unworthy of love, respect, or kindness. Therapy helps survivors reconnect with their own value and recognise that the abuse was a reflection of the narcissist’s insecurities, not their own shortcomings.
Setting boundaries is another crucial step in recovery. Narcissists thrive on violating boundaries, whether emotional, psychological, or physical. Victims need to learn how to set and enforce boundaries in their relationships to protect themselves from further harm. This can involve limiting or cutting off contact with the narcissist, as well as developing the confidence to say "no" and prioritise their own needs.
Processing Traumatic Memories
Many victims of narcissistic abuse are left with unprocessed trauma, which can manifest as flashbacks, nightmares, emotional numbness, or feelings of detachment from their emotions and experiences. In my practice, I often use techniques like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) to help victims process their traumatic memories in a controlled and safe way. EMDR is particularly helpful for survivors of narcissistic abuse because it allows them to revisit traumatic events without becoming emotionally overwhelmed. By engaging the brain’s natural processing mechanisms, EMDR helps to integrate these memories into a healthier, less distressing narrative.
For many survivors, the memories of abuse remain "stuck," replaying in their minds with the same intensity as when they occurred. EMDR helps by reducing the emotional charge associated with these memories, allowing the brain to process them in a way that diminishes their power to trigger emotional pain. While EMDR may not be necessary for every survivor, it is a powerful tool in trauma therapy for those who struggle with flashbacks, dissociation, or intrusive thoughts.
Rebuilding Social Connections
Another critical element of healing from narcissistic abuse is rebuilding social connections. Many victims have been isolated by the narcissist, losing touch with friends and family who could provide emotional support. Therapy helps survivors reconnect with their support networks and encourages them to develop new, healthy relationships based on mutual respect and trust.
Support groups, both in-person and online, can be invaluable during the recovery process. These groups offer survivors a space to share their experiences, learn from others, and receive validation from individuals who understand the complexities of narcissistic abuse. Engaging with a supportive community is a powerful way to break the isolation created by the narcissist and begin rebuilding a life outside of the abusive relationship.
Long-Term Recovery and the Journey to Emotional Freedom
Recovery from narcissistic abuse is not linear, nor is it a quick process. It takes time to unravel the layers of emotional manipulation, rebuild self-esteem, and regain a sense of autonomy. Many survivors find that the emotional wounds inflicted by narcissistic abuse linger long after the relationship has ended. That said, with consistent therapeutic support, survivors can and do recover.
In my practice, I’ve seen firsthand how survivors of narcissistic abuse can move from a place of deep emotional pain to one of empowerment, self-compassion, and resilience. The journey to healing is about more than just processing the trauma — it’s about rediscovering one’s identity, learning to trust oneself again, and reclaiming a life that is free from the narcissist’s influence.
The Role of Self-Compassion and Forgiveness
Self-compassion is essential for long-term recovery. Survivors of narcissistic abuse often carry a deep sense of shame and guilt, believing that they should have recognised the abuse earlier or that they somehow "allowed" it to happen. In reality, narcissistic abuse is designed to manipulate, confuse, and entrap the victim. The narcissist is the only one responsible for the abuse.
Forgiving oneself is a crucial step in the healing process. Survivors must learn to let go of the self-blame and recognise that they are not at fault for the narcissist’s behaviour. Therapy helps individuals cultivate a sense of self-compassion, which is key to rebuilding self-esteem and moving forward. Through self-compassion, survivors can begin to acknowledge the full extent of the abuse while also recognising their own strength in surviving it.
Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Life After Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is a deeply traumatic experience, but it is possible to heal and rebuild a life of emotional freedom. Recovery involves processing the trauma, rebuilding self-worth, setting boundaries, and reconnecting with supportive individuals. While the scars of narcissistic injury may run deep, they do not define the survivor. With the right therapeutic support, survivors can move beyond the emotional pain, reclaim their identity, and create a life filled with autonomy, resilience, and hope.
As a trauma therapist, I have seen how survivors can transform their lives, breaking free from the emotional chains of narcissistic abuse. Healing is not a quick or easy process, but with patience, self-compassion, and the right support, it is entirely possible. Through trauma-informed therapy and a commitment to personal growth, survivors can rediscover their strength and find their way to emotional recovery.
If you’ve been affected by narcissistic abuse, know that healing is possible — and that your journey toward reclaiming your life starts with recognising the abuse for what it is and seeking the support you deserve.